An exposé on the underestimated drama of being an au pair: Part 2

For the first half of the post, see yesterday’s submission.

Sexual Harassment: I set the percentage as very low, but it should be zero. I heard a genuine story of a girl blackmailed into sexual relations with the father (she was originally made to believe he loved her), and the affair was going on in the home while the mother was actually present. And while originally searching for a position, I saw an ad for a recently divorced father looking for an au pair... who would also be willing to go to a nude beach and give him back massages, as he was also interested in a girlfriend. As for myself, my first year as an au pair was spent with awkward situations every day. The father would come down for breakfast every morning in only his briefs, and the mother would walk around in only her underwear in the morning while she got ready. I even walked in the bathroom once to find the father on the toilet, with the door wide open. If that doesn’t make for an uncomfortable living situation, I don’t know what would. And don’t forget: where there are paper-thin walls, there are uncomfortable noises at night. Coming from your employers.

Family Inclusion and Paperwork: The family is legally obliged to provide medical insurance under an au pair visa and contract, but they don’t always follow through. My first family signed the contract saying that it was provided, but I didn’t realize until the end of the year that it was probably never paid at all. The proof: my friend in a neighboring town with an insurance card and the knowledge that you only have medical insurance if you have that card, which I never did. Also, it’s always advertised that you’ll be “a part of the family,” but that’s truly laughable in most cases. Besides the fact that the au pair is an employee and not a big sister/brother is enough to begin with, but then add on family moments and family trips and family meals that are not open to the au pair whatsoever. Obviously, this is expected to an extent, but to go so far as the au pair feeling uncomfortable even living in the house?... That brings us to…

Depression, Anxiety, and Stress: I felt so disconnected from my first family within a month or two of starting that I quickly fell into a constant state of depression, feeling like I was stuck with no way out, and I was very stressed, being so uncomfortable with my job. At least two of my close friends who worked in the area went through the exact same problem at an equal or worse state than I did. Some fared better, but I doubt any have escaped frequent times like this. The feeling of being stuck comes from the high desire to live in Europe, etc., competing with the inability to fend for yourself in a new environment. We didn’t come to France speaking French fluently, didn’t even leave France speaking fluently, and didn’t know the laws, so we were unable to defend ourselves. Therefore, we were forced to stay where we were if we wanted to continue living abroad, and do whatever we had to do to appease our employers. This is the biggest caveat for au pairs: you are truly alone in dealing with the family. No matter how many friends are in the same situation, the only way out is to find a better family, which is always a tricky business. Because even if you have friends from the area who know the legal system to any extent, it's a hassle to try to follow anything through. At the end of the year, I had a private French teacher who helped me look up the official rules in terms of proper wages and holiday, but in a discussion turned argument with the family, I didn't gain anything.

Job Security: My fellow au pair friend has a sage piece of advice that I’ve heard from her many times for many au pairs: “Don’t ever be afraid to look for another job if things start to go bad, because even if you’re not sure, the family will never hesitate to fire you.” There are thousands of young people out there looking for any kind of babysitting job, and older people trained and experienced in the field, so if there’s any bad blood with the employers, they will not hesitate to find someone that complains less for more work. Greed and desperation is a nasty combination of employer and employee that will quickly destroy the employee if they don’t heed the warnings. The relationship with my host mother in my second family went sour so quickly that I started looking for other jobs after one month of being there. But only a few days after that, I was fired and forced into a time-pressed search for a new job in a crazy whirlwind. I was so incredibly lucky to have had many people offer their homes to me while I found something else, and did stay with two lovely ladies for two weeks during my short and sweet time jobless.

There are laws concerning au pairs, but the importance of an au pair in the general scale of employment is so low that legal proceedings almost never occur for them. Why would a poor young student pursue a family in court for mistreatment when it’s easier to find another job? Which means that the bad families are never punished for their actions and continue to hire unsuspecting young people.

Don’t get me wrong, there are good families out there. I know two girls who have stayed with their families longer than the one year standard because they were truly happy there, and one other who stayed longer simply for the chance to remain in Geneva and didn't have any huge problems. There are some families who seem to genuinely understand the role of an au pair and they respect it, and I’m so glad that there are such honest people out there. Unfortunately, most au pairs I've met appreciate their time spent abroad simply for the chance to live in another country, and not for the actual job or living situation. I’m currently with my third family, and while it’s the best situation so far, it’s still not perfect.

Therefore, if you know a young girl or boy looking to live abroad, I would suggest a study program rather than an au pair contract. It’s a very sticky situation, with little to no guidance for the au pair, and can be dangerous. Under what conditions would I approve of someone taking on an au pair job? I would generally say only if the au pair knows the family from a previous connection, and is therefore guaranteed a more fair position. (However, I met a girl who was about 30 years old, working for three months as an au pair for a good friend of hers, and she testified that she was treated just as badly as anyone else, despite their previous friendship.) Also to be taken under consideration is the duration of the job. All the aforementioned actualities are based on a one-year contract, but a short three-month job on a tourist visa could easily be an entirely different experience. A three-month stint would mean no legal or educational stress, no obligation to stay in a bad situation, and it would possibly have more of a general vacation feeling, as the job would be temporary.

It truly saddens me that this job position is so tainted, as it is so ripe with possibilities. To be able to live abroad at no cost- in fact, making money, and learning a language and making new friends… the possibilities seem endless. And they are to an extent, as friends are made, lessons are learned, places are traveled to, etc. But at what cost? From what I’ve seen, the cost is stick it out through any unhealthy situations. The only real solution is repeatedly changing families or finding another study solution, in order to maintain sanity while being a young person abroad. The dream is possible, but it’s not as cozy and sparkly as it seems on the plane ride over. However, I can at least say that I don’t regret my time as an au pair, because it has taught me so incredibly much in so many ways, and I definitely wouldn’t be who I am now without the experience.


Thanks to Marina Souza Silva for reminding me of important tidbits to include and her quote of wisdom.